Once upon a time there was an emperor who was obsessed with new clothes. These days we would call him a metrosexual; aka gay. The emperor spent all his money on the latest new fashions rather than concentrating on his kingdom, army, or even going out. Every hour he would change into a new outfit, never being seen in that same outfit twice. Basically, he was in love with himself and loved to twirl in front of the mirror, admiring his new clothes for hours upon hours. Every day the emperor’s castle hustled and bustled with townspeople doing their business. One day, two hobos arrived claiming themselves to be weavers. They bragged that they could make a material so unique and extraordinary that only humans of that same caliber could actually see it. They claimed that the only eyes that could behold such beauty would be that of royalty, and they would remain invisible to the simpleton or those not worthy of beholding such beauty. Well the king was such a dumbass that he bought into this shit. He figured if he owned such a suit, he could quickly weed out those unfit to hold positions in his office. He demanded that a suit be woven immediately, gathered all the money he had handy, and gave it to the weavers. The weavers set up two looms and appeared as busy as two bees, though they really weren’t doing a damn thing. They requested the most delicate silk and purest gold thread. Well, they were stashing that shit for themselves and pretending to work long into the night. Pretty soon the emperor wanted to know what was taking so long. He started to stomp his way up there to see it but then remembered that only a retard or one unfit for office would be blind to the progress. Though he was quite sure about how great he was, he wasn’t yet willing to risk the embarrassment if something went wrong. Knowing all the townspeople had heard of the new suit, the king was keen to not take any chances. Instead, he chose to send his faithful and brilliant minister to view the progress and bring back a report. He was certain that he was a man fit for office. The old minister went up the stairs, as the emperor requested, and entered the room where the hobos were busy weaving away at nothing. The minister was shocked upon discovering that he could see nothing, but kept quiet. Fuck that, he thought. I ain’t losing my skrilla over this shit. The hobos asked him to come closer and give them his opinion on the fine colors and textures of the suit, for surely he would know if the emperor would approve of what they had accomplished so far. The minister reluctantly approached, and still seeing nothing, felt a pang of inferiority and self-doubt. Could he in fact be the good for nothing his mother had said he was all those years ago? Was he just a simpleton, unfit to hold office? His life was over. His thought was interrupted by one of the weavers. “What’s up? You don’t like what you see?” Not wanting to appear beneath them, the minister exclaimed that the fabric was fabulous, the colors rich and bold, the texture certainly fit for a king! The weavers agreed, describing in great detail the colors and patterns; the minister took note so that he could repeat it back word for word to the king. He promised to convey the good report directly, but before he left the weavers requested more gold and silk, which the minister promised to deliver. As before, the impostors added all the goods to their secret stash and diligently worked into the night on nothing. I wish I would’ve thought of this shit. A little more time passed, and the emperor, eager for his new clothes, sent another officer of the court to get an update and see when he could expect his new suit. As with the minister, the officer was embarrassed to find that he could see nothing, only empty frames. The weavers asked the officer if the suit appeared as beautiful to him as it had the minister who visited before him, and again went into great detail on the colors and patterns, pointing them out as they went along. The officer was horrified at the thought that he was nothing more than a handitard. He had believed himself to be extremely smart and well rounded, but swore to himself that no one could learn of his inability to view greatness. With that, he passionately praised the colors and designs to the weavers as well as to the emperor later, insisting that the cloth was the most magnificent he’d ever laid eyes upon. I’d’ve done the same shit though. The whole city was abuzz about the quality of the new threads the king would soon be wearing, and they were all eager to witness their beauty for themselves. So was the emperor. He assembled a select few of his officers from the court, two of whom had already witnessed the cloth on the loom, and approached the weavers, working harder than ever. “Isn’t it beautiful?!” the two officers asked the emperor. They pointed to different parts of the invisible fabric, declaring how bright the colors were and how truly magnificent the designs were. They, of course, didn’t want to seem as if they couldn’t see what the others probably obviously did see. You can imagine the ‘oh shit’ moment the emperor had upon realizing he was, indeed, a simpleton. He was horrified by the fact that he was unfit for office. I mean, sure he’d fucked around a lot, but hadn’t all emperors before him? He smiled very graciously at the weavers and expressed his satisfaction in what he was supposedly seeing. The rest, not wanting to appear inferior, praised the cloth as well. One officer even suggested he wear the new suit to the upcoming Christmas parade. All agreed, exclaiming that no emperor before him had ever been so well dressed and splendid. When the day of the parade came, the emperor returned to the room where the weavers were making the finished touches to the pretend garment. They held their hands up as if they were presenting something, to which the emperor showed great satisfaction. I mean, at this point, wouldn’t you just say, “You know guys…I know you worked hard on this and all, but I’m a winter and those colors are for a summer…it just doesn’t go with my skin tone. Thanks anyway but I’ll wear one of my other robes.” I mean, am I right? The weavers requested that the king disrobe, which he did, and then they assisted the emperor in getting dressed, helping him on with his invisible pants, robe, and so on. They commented on how light the material was, which was in fact one of the qualities that made it so fine. Everyone in the emperor’s cabinet agreed and proclaimed how stunning he looked. He twirled and admired himself as he usually did so as to not let on that he was a complete idiot. Everyone went on and on about the colors, the patterns, how perfectly it fit before the chief master interrupted that it was time to join the parade. The emperor set off the join the parade with his cabinet behind him, carrying the make believe train of his garment. As they entered the town square, all the people began praising the emperor’s clothes, not wanting to let on that they were simpletons or not fit for whatever office they held. Out of crowd, the voice of a child exclaimed, “The king is naked!”, and his father quickly shushed him, and later sent him off to boarding school out of shame. The emperor continued to march the streets of his kingdom naked as a jaybird, but no one would stand up and tell the truth out of fear of looking stupid. The king knew good and well that he was naked, but in his error had discovered something new and wonderful; there were many gay men in this town, and now they knew what he was packing. Excited about all the new digits he brought home, he slept in his new robe and had the weavers secretly executed the next day. Oh. And the moral of the story is: check references. And: people are stupid. |
Once upon a time there was a king and queen who really wanted to have a baby. Year after year they tried, and year after year they came up short. Back then they didn’t have invitro, so their only option was to have the king fornicate with a concubine, and the queen wasn’t even having that shit. One day the queen was bathing in her private river when a creepy little frog came splashing out of the water. After he checked her out for a bit, he informed her that he was indeed, a prophetic frog, and that this very year the queen would bear a baby girl. You can imagine the queen’s surprise when she came up pregnant a short time later and had a baby girl. The king was a little suspicious, but thought oh well, and decided to throw a great feast. He invited everyone in his Rolodex including the wise women of the kingdom. There was a problem though. He only had 12 golden plates to serve them from and didn’t have time to run to Morocco to get another. He decided it would be harmless to leave one off the list, which was real stupid. But men do weird, rude shit like that all the time. The party was a big success. Everybody commented on how beautiful the baby was, bla bla bla. Toward the end of the night, the 12 wise women one by one blessed the baby with magic gifts. One gave her riches, one gave her beauty, one gave her the ability to stay a size 6 forever, and the list goes on. This baby girl had everything any girl could ever want. Before the 12th wise woman could speak, the 13th uninvited wise women burst in, pissed off that she had been left out. She proclaimed in a loud voice that the baby would prick herself with a spindle when she turned 15 and drop dead. Then she turned around and left, but not before turning over a few tables and flipping everyone the bird. Everyone was shocked and horrified. The 12th wise woman stepped forward and everyone begged her to undo the bad omen with her unused blessing. She explained that by the rules of the Wise Woman Union, she could not reverse an omen; only lessen it to some extent. With that, she declared that the princess would not die after all, but instead fall into a coma for 100 years. Well nobody liked this stupid rule, so the king ordered that every spindle in the kingdom be destroyed. In the meantime, as the princess grew up, all the other blessings came true in her life. Everyone loved her, and she wasn’t even a spoiled little bitch like all the other princesses. Well, on the day of her 15th birthday, while the king and queen had run out to buy her a pony, the princess decided to take a tour of the castle. She had never seen it all, and never been home alone to do whatever she wanted. She came upon an old tower that looked as if it hadn’t been occupied in decades. She climbed the narrow staircase to a door that creaked open at the touch of her hand. Inside sat an old, feeble woman with a spindle, busily spinning her flax. Now, I’m sorry, but fuck that. I would’ve been outta there. But no, the princess, being the naïve little thing she was, spoke to the decrepit old thing. “Hi there” the princess offered. “What are you doing?” “Are you blind?” the old woman answered. “I’m spinning.” The princess approached and stood in awe. “I’ve never seen anything like this. Can I try?” Before the old woman could answer, the princess reached out and pricked her finger on the spindle. Immediately she fell to the floor into a deep sleep. The weird thing was that everything else fell into the same sleep; her parents who had just gotten home, the whole court, the horses, the dogs, the birds, the flies – even the fire blazing in the fireplace became quiet and slept. The whole palace fell silent and still. After a short time, a thick wall of thorns began to grow around the palace, and year after year it would grow thicker and taller. After many years the castle could not be seen at all, and so began the legend of little Briar Rose throughout the country. Because princesses were in demand back in the day, prince after prince would come to the castle to try to penetrate the thorn barrier, ultimately hoping to penetrate the princess and bring her out of her sleep. But many tried and failed, getting caught up in the briars and dying a horrible and painful death. The things men will do for a little vagina… After many, many years, another king’s son heard tales of the princess and her whole sordid dilemma. He heard all about the thorn wall and the many princes who died there trying to revive the princess. The prince smirked and told everyone, “I’m not scared. I’ll go get her.” Everyone laughed and whispered to one another that he was a for sure goner. What the prince didn’t know was that the hundred years was up, so when he arrived at the castle there were no thorns, only a thick covering of beautiful flowers, and as he walked the flowers would create a path and then close again behind him. Again, fuck that. I would be outta there. But that’s not how the story goes. Anyway, as he approached the castle he saw that all the horses, dogs, and other animals were still fast asleep. When he entered the house everything was as it had been left 100 years ago. The servants were still frozen in time, plucking chickens and boiling water, sewing and sweeping. The king and queen lay peacefully as well. The prince looked around and eventually found the tower where the princess lay. She was everything he’d heard she was; totally hot, totally hot, and asleep. He stooped down and gave her a kiss on the mouth. Instantly her eyes popped open and she sprung up, shocked. “You fucking pervert!” she screamed. “Get away from me!” “But wait…I was only trying to…” All the commotion caused the animals, servants, king and queen to awaken. The king and queen ran up the stairs to the aid of the princess. The king was horrified to find a strange boy trying to make out with his daughter, and so he banished him to the tower for 20 years, forcing him to spin all the fine linens for the castle. The princess met another dude and lived happily ever after. The prince ended up getting a job at a factory after he got out of prison, and swore off the vag for the rest of his days. |
The End
Once upon a time in a big old palace their lived a Prince’s daughter named Snow White. They called her that because her hair was black and her skin was translucent in contrast, making her appear pale white. She could’ve used a tan but she just wasn’t the outdoorsy type. Despite this, she was still prettier than her wicked old stepmother, who grew more jealous of Snow White by the day. Now tell me why all the men in these stories marry bitches. And they say women love assholes, but this is clear evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with the men of the medieval time period.
So anyway, the wicked stepmother was jealous and hated Snow White. Every day when she’d look into her magic mirror, it would tell her how beautiful she was. Obviously, the mirror was not calculating personality into its assessment. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” she would ask it. “You are, Princess” it would reply.
Well one day the wicked stepmother, having a particularly bad hair day, and just feeling fat, asked the mirror again, needing some reassurance. This day, however, the answer came back “Snow White is the fairest of them all”. Snow White had just gotten boobs so that’s why she was just now qualifying.
Well the stepmother was batshit crazy. Consumed by rage and jealously, she began plotting ways to get rid of her rival. After much thought, she ordered one of her servants to take Snow White deep into the woods and murder her, promising him riches if he did. So the servant took Snow White into the woods and proceeded to choke her to death. Now what the servant didn’t know was it takes like a long time to choke somebody. It’s not easy. But thinking he had done the deed, he released her from his a grip just a little too soon and left her for dead.
When Snow White woke up the woods were pitch black. She was scared to death, because again, she’s not an outdoorsy chick. There were all kinds of rustling in the bushes and beady little eyes glowing in the darkness. She was also really pissed about that fucking servant and vowed to herself revenge for what he had done. But she was really tired from nearly being strangled to death so she drifted off into sleep, despite her anger and fear.
When she woke up the birds were chirping and sunlight was beaming through the trees. She didn’t know where the hell she was and had no concept of north. She just started walking, looking for anything that looked familiar. After awhile she came across a path and figured it was her best bet to find her way home and tell her dad what that servant did to her.
After walking for a bit, Snow White saw that at the end of the path was a tiny little cottage, with tiny little doors and windows, and an itty bitty little chimney. She approached the cottage and pushed the door open. Normally, I wouldn’t recommend this kind of blatant snooping but since she was obviously bigger than the people who lived there, she could beat them up if need be.
So she walked on in, observing the miniature nature of the plates, spoons, tiny little beds, and fun sized little clothes. She also noticed that there was seven of everything. She figured the seven little people must have been out working and thought she’d make them a nice, hot meal. Actually, she was hungry. She wouldn’t have just made them a meal otherwise. Because on top of not being outdoorsy, she wasn’t much interested in cooking.
So Snow White dug through the pantry, found some mac and cheese, tuna, and cream of mushroom. She had seen her cook make this casserole before, and figured it was easy enough not to fuck up.
Towards nightfall, the air was filled with singing, and the pitter patter of little feet on the dirt path leading to the cottage. When the little men opened the door, they were happy to find dinner ready and a clean house. Upstairs Snow White was passed out, exhausted from all that water boiling.
One of the dwarfs nudged her, asking the obvious question. “Um who are you? While it’s nice to find food ready, a clean house, and a hot girl in my bed, it’s not exactly polite to just go walking into someone’s house you know.” Snow White explained the whole sordid tale while many of the dwarfs stood weeping at her misfortune.
“Well”, the head dwarf concluded, “you can stay here with us. BUT, you’re going to have to earn your keep. Clean, cook, walk around in only a bra and underwear. That sort of thing.” Snow White promised and with that all the little dwarfs danced around her cheering, filled up with great expectations of food and boobs.
The next day before the group set off for work, they cautioned her to not answer the door for strangers. There were all kind of riffraff in these woods, and they didn’t want anyone to take away their awesome new find.
WELL. Back at the palace, the servant returned, ensuring the wicked stepmother that Snow White was dead, giving her a play by play of the strangulation and the way she flailed and suffered. The stepmother took great delight in this before turning her attention to the mirror, asking once again who was fairest of them all. The mirror replied that it was Snow White, revealing to her an image of Snow White in the tiny cottage in the forest. The stepmother was outraged, grabbed a sword from the wall and chopped off the servant’s head.
You want something done right you do it yourself, she thought, before disguising herself as an old homeless woman and setting off into the woods. After much time, she finally came upon the cottage and rapped on the door. Not like "Yo yo yo yo", but like, with her hand.
Snow White looked through the peep hole. “Yes?”
The stepmother answered, in her most pitiful voice, “I only need one moment of your time.”
“Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?” Snow White demanded.
“Goodness no”, replied the stepmother. “I believe in blood transfusions. I only wanted to see if I might trade you an apple for a cup of sugar”.
That seemed harmless enough, so Snow White made the trade through a cracked door and sent the old woman on her way. As she plopped down on the couch ready to watch her soaps, she took a big juicy bite of the apple, and almost instantly collapsed, dead on the floor.
A little later the dwarfs came home from work and found Snow White dead. They did everything they could to revive her but nothing worked. They wept and carried on for a long time. Finally, the head dwarf ordered that they build a glass coffin and put Snow White to rest.
As they all carried Snow White to her final resting place out in the woods, they came upon a clinic. One of the dwarfs suggested that a doctor give Snow White the once-over before burying her. They all agreed and summoned the doctor on call. When the doctor came out, he was the most handsome man anyone had ever seen, and one of the dwarfs even got a little wood. The doctor examined Snow White and determined she was still alive, though barely. He put her on some fluids and made her listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” over and over. Sure enough, she woke up. When she did, the doctor asked her if she might like to go out sometime. She thought he was pretty cute so she agreed.
About this time the step mother got home and ran to her mirror. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
“Snow White is”, the mirror answered, revealing an image of Snow White making out with the doctor.
“You must be fucking kidding me”. The step mother was sooo pissed and vowed revenge. She took back off into the forest, determined to kill Snow White. This time she had poison bananas, and they were way stronger than the apple. About halfway through her trip, she sat down on a rock to have a snack, completely famished. Without thinking, she peeled a banana and took a bite. Dumbass.
Meanwhile, the dwarfs were making wedding arrangements for Snow White who totally bagged a doctor. She felt bad for them though, so without their knowledge, signed them each up on Matchmaker.com, and they all lived happily ever after.
The End.
Once upon a time, in a land just down the street, a merchant set off for the store. He asked all three of his daughters if they needed anything. The first daughter said she wanted a new dress, size 16, and no cheap shit either. The second demanded jewelry. The third daughter, named Beauty, who wasn’t an asshole, asked him to pick her a flower and gave him a kiss goodbye.
When the merchant was done at the store he set off for home, keeping his eye open for a nice flower for his daughter. Suddenly, a ridiculous storm blew in, howling through the valley and scaring the shit out of the merchant’s horse. He was becoming cold and tired and figured there was no way he’d make it home that evening. In the distance he noticed a bright light way out in the middle of the woods. Well shit, he thought. Maybe they’ll let me stay with them overnight. No harm in trying.
When he reached the place, which turned out to be a castle, the door opened automatically for him. Strangely there was no one there to greet him, but he walked in anyway. See, I would have never done that. That’s the kind of shit you see in horror films. I’m not that fucking curious or stupid. If I’m the merchant I’m getting back on my horse and getting the hell out of there. Lucky for the him, this time there was no cannibalistic fiend cooking up merchant soup that evening. But still.
So anyway, he calls out several times but no one answers. He pokes his head in a few rooms to see if anyone is around, but there’s no one. He notices on the kitchen table there is a feast laid out. Well the guy’s starving, so he calls out again. When no one answers he thinks screw it and sits down to eat. My mother would have never approved of that shit so I wouldn’t have even thought about it.
It gets better though. This guy’s nosiness gets the best of him and so after dinner he goes nosing around upstairs. Sure enough, in one of the bedrooms a fire was crackling away and there was a nice big soft bed; he couldn’t help himself. He lay down on the bed and fell fast asleep. Now that’s a trusting mother fucker if you ask me. But regardless, the owner let him live through the night and when he woke up there was hot cup of coffee and some fruit at his bedside.
After breakfast the merchant went downstairs to thank Mr. Creepy for all of his hospitality. Just like the night before though, there was no one around. Puzzled, the merchant went outside to grab his horse and be on his way. He could have at least left a thank you for not killing me note, but men never ever do thank you cards. Suddenly, he notices the most beautiful rose bush he’s ever seen and he remembers the flower he was supposed to get Beauty. He reaches over and plucks one from the bush when suddenly a disgusting beast sprang from the bushes, snarling and foaming at the mouth, obviously pretty pissed off. “You ingrate!” he growled. “I feed you, I let you sleep in my bed, and you thank me by stealing from my favorite rose bush?! Prepare to dieeeeee!” He then stood over him with a great big sword, ready to lop his head off.
Doesn’t this seem like entrapment to you? I think the monster was just looking for a reason to be mad. See, the merchant should have left the fucking thank you card.
The merchant, scared shitless, begs desperately for his life. “Please forgive me! I meant no harm! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING! I only picked the rose for my sweet daughter back at home.”
The Beast lowered the sword and asked, “Is she hot?”
“Welll”, stammered the merchant, “Uhhh…”
“Oh come on. You know if she’s hot or not” the Beast demanded.
“Ok ok, yes. She’s hot OKAY.”
“Alright then”, the beast finally says after much thought. “I won’t kill you, but in return you have to bring me your daughter. And seriously dude, if you don’t bring her back I’ll fucking hunt you down”.
The merchant swore he would bring her back and rode away as fast as he could. When he got home all three daughters were anxiously awaiting his return, wanting their shit. He explained the story, which was stupid. If I were him I would’ve sent one of the other daughters; good riddance bitch. But no. He told them what had happened and Beauty offered to go, no problem. She felt like she was responsible because she was the one who wanted the rose, and bla bla bla.
So with that the merchant leads Beauty back to the castle in the woods. She was expecting the worst of course, but turns out the Beast gave her a nice welcome.
In the beginning, Beauty was very wary of the Beast, expecting at any point to be made into a skin vest. Over time, though, she found that despite the Beast’s ghastly appearance, he was actually quite kind and considerate. Like he would let her watch her soaps and not even bitch about it. Sometimes he would even ask if Victor had changed yet, but of course he never does. After awhile Beauty began to genuinely like the Beast, and they spent a lot of time doing shit together. They eventually became very close friends. Well, you know what happened then. He screwed it all up by asking her to marry him. Just like always, the guy took the girl’s kindness to mean she was hot for him, when really she just wanted to be friends.
Well she was completely shocked, as her face revealed. Had it been a book it would have said Are you freaking kidding me? Gross! I couldn’t sleep with such a disgusting smelly Beast! She didn’t say that though. She didn’t have to. He dismissed her with his hand and grumbled something about it’s ok, don’t worry about it, I get it.
After about a week the awkwardness wore off and things were back to normal. They each pretended as if it didn’t even happen. One day the Beast presents her with a magic mirror as a gift. I guess he figured he could buy her love. When Beauty looked into it, she was able to see her family and friends back home. She was a little pissed that they had totally turned her room into a computer room, but quickly forgot about that when she saw her dad was really sick. She began to cry and freak out, and the Beast asked her what was wrong. As if it weren’t obvious. Fucking men. She explains that her dad is dying and she wants to be there with him before he dies. The Beast refused, screaming that she would NEVER leave the castle. Well, after awhile he felt like shit about that and came back telling her she could go, but only if she came back in seven days.
Ok, ok sure, she assured him before running away into the woods. Once she got to her home she found out her dad only had an icky case of H1N1, but he’d be fine. She was thankful for that, but lost track of time because she was having so much fun. She told her dad all about her time at the castle and how the Beast wasn’t so bad. After a few days Beauty realized oh shit, I was supposed to already have been back. So she took off, hoping he wasn’t standing at the door with a machete. She ran in, looking all over for him, but he was no where to be found. She ran out into the garden where he was lying next to the rose bush, appearing lifeless. She threw herself on him, begging him not to die, promising that she would marry him if he woke up.
Yeah, you guessed it. The faker woke up, and said “Really, you’ll marry me?”
“Well no”, Beauty explained. “I totally thought you were dead.”
“But….but…”.
“You’re totally ruining our friendship here Beast, and quite frankly you’re making me uncomfortable. You asked once…I said no. What makes you think I would suddenly change my mind and marry you? I just want to be friends. If you can’t understand that, well then just chop my head off. Otherwise, I can try to hook you up with one of my sisters.”
“Well. Ok.”
Well you can imagine her shock and horror at her missed opportunity when her sister Beatrice fell in love with the Beast for who he was and then he totally turned into a sexy Prince. She tried like hell to get him back but he just kicked her to the curb the rest of their days.
When the merchant was done at the store he set off for home, keeping his eye open for a nice flower for his daughter. Suddenly, a ridiculous storm blew in, howling through the valley and scaring the shit out of the merchant’s horse. He was becoming cold and tired and figured there was no way he’d make it home that evening. In the distance he noticed a bright light way out in the middle of the woods. Well shit, he thought. Maybe they’ll let me stay with them overnight. No harm in trying.
When he reached the place, which turned out to be a castle, the door opened automatically for him. Strangely there was no one there to greet him, but he walked in anyway. See, I would have never done that. That’s the kind of shit you see in horror films. I’m not that fucking curious or stupid. If I’m the merchant I’m getting back on my horse and getting the hell out of there. Lucky for the him, this time there was no cannibalistic fiend cooking up merchant soup that evening. But still.
So anyway, he calls out several times but no one answers. He pokes his head in a few rooms to see if anyone is around, but there’s no one. He notices on the kitchen table there is a feast laid out. Well the guy’s starving, so he calls out again. When no one answers he thinks screw it and sits down to eat. My mother would have never approved of that shit so I wouldn’t have even thought about it.
It gets better though. This guy’s nosiness gets the best of him and so after dinner he goes nosing around upstairs. Sure enough, in one of the bedrooms a fire was crackling away and there was a nice big soft bed; he couldn’t help himself. He lay down on the bed and fell fast asleep. Now that’s a trusting mother fucker if you ask me. But regardless, the owner let him live through the night and when he woke up there was hot cup of coffee and some fruit at his bedside.
After breakfast the merchant went downstairs to thank Mr. Creepy for all of his hospitality. Just like the night before though, there was no one around. Puzzled, the merchant went outside to grab his horse and be on his way. He could have at least left a thank you for not killing me note, but men never ever do thank you cards. Suddenly, he notices the most beautiful rose bush he’s ever seen and he remembers the flower he was supposed to get Beauty. He reaches over and plucks one from the bush when suddenly a disgusting beast sprang from the bushes, snarling and foaming at the mouth, obviously pretty pissed off. “You ingrate!” he growled. “I feed you, I let you sleep in my bed, and you thank me by stealing from my favorite rose bush?! Prepare to dieeeeee!” He then stood over him with a great big sword, ready to lop his head off.
Doesn’t this seem like entrapment to you? I think the monster was just looking for a reason to be mad. See, the merchant should have left the fucking thank you card.
The merchant, scared shitless, begs desperately for his life. “Please forgive me! I meant no harm! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING! I only picked the rose for my sweet daughter back at home.”
The Beast lowered the sword and asked, “Is she hot?”
“Welll”, stammered the merchant, “Uhhh…”
“Oh come on. You know if she’s hot or not” the Beast demanded.
“Ok ok, yes. She’s hot OKAY.”
“Alright then”, the beast finally says after much thought. “I won’t kill you, but in return you have to bring me your daughter. And seriously dude, if you don’t bring her back I’ll fucking hunt you down”.
The merchant swore he would bring her back and rode away as fast as he could. When he got home all three daughters were anxiously awaiting his return, wanting their shit. He explained the story, which was stupid. If I were him I would’ve sent one of the other daughters; good riddance bitch. But no. He told them what had happened and Beauty offered to go, no problem. She felt like she was responsible because she was the one who wanted the rose, and bla bla bla.
So with that the merchant leads Beauty back to the castle in the woods. She was expecting the worst of course, but turns out the Beast gave her a nice welcome.
In the beginning, Beauty was very wary of the Beast, expecting at any point to be made into a skin vest. Over time, though, she found that despite the Beast’s ghastly appearance, he was actually quite kind and considerate. Like he would let her watch her soaps and not even bitch about it. Sometimes he would even ask if Victor had changed yet, but of course he never does. After awhile Beauty began to genuinely like the Beast, and they spent a lot of time doing shit together. They eventually became very close friends. Well, you know what happened then. He screwed it all up by asking her to marry him. Just like always, the guy took the girl’s kindness to mean she was hot for him, when really she just wanted to be friends.
Well she was completely shocked, as her face revealed. Had it been a book it would have said Are you freaking kidding me? Gross! I couldn’t sleep with such a disgusting smelly Beast! She didn’t say that though. She didn’t have to. He dismissed her with his hand and grumbled something about it’s ok, don’t worry about it, I get it.
After about a week the awkwardness wore off and things were back to normal. They each pretended as if it didn’t even happen. One day the Beast presents her with a magic mirror as a gift. I guess he figured he could buy her love. When Beauty looked into it, she was able to see her family and friends back home. She was a little pissed that they had totally turned her room into a computer room, but quickly forgot about that when she saw her dad was really sick. She began to cry and freak out, and the Beast asked her what was wrong. As if it weren’t obvious. Fucking men. She explains that her dad is dying and she wants to be there with him before he dies. The Beast refused, screaming that she would NEVER leave the castle. Well, after awhile he felt like shit about that and came back telling her she could go, but only if she came back in seven days.
Ok, ok sure, she assured him before running away into the woods. Once she got to her home she found out her dad only had an icky case of H1N1, but he’d be fine. She was thankful for that, but lost track of time because she was having so much fun. She told her dad all about her time at the castle and how the Beast wasn’t so bad. After a few days Beauty realized oh shit, I was supposed to already have been back. So she took off, hoping he wasn’t standing at the door with a machete. She ran in, looking all over for him, but he was no where to be found. She ran out into the garden where he was lying next to the rose bush, appearing lifeless. She threw herself on him, begging him not to die, promising that she would marry him if he woke up.
Yeah, you guessed it. The faker woke up, and said “Really, you’ll marry me?”
“Well no”, Beauty explained. “I totally thought you were dead.”
“But….but…”.
“You’re totally ruining our friendship here Beast, and quite frankly you’re making me uncomfortable. You asked once…I said no. What makes you think I would suddenly change my mind and marry you? I just want to be friends. If you can’t understand that, well then just chop my head off. Otherwise, I can try to hook you up with one of my sisters.”
“Well. Ok.”
Well you can imagine her shock and horror at her missed opportunity when her sister Beatrice fell in love with the Beast for who he was and then he totally turned into a sexy Prince. She tried like hell to get him back but he just kicked her to the curb the rest of their days.
The End
One night there was a bad storm with hail, high winds and heavy rains. There came a knock at the door and the King answered. The butler had called in sick that evening, see.
At the door stood a girl claiming to be a princess, needing shelter from the storm. She looked like shit, was covered in mud, and was dripping wet. The King could hardly believe she was a princess. He asked what sort of princess goes gallivanting around at night in the rain. She pulled out her princess I.D. and he was convinced, letting her in.
The Queen, though, wasn’t buying it. I.D.s can be faked. No, there was only one way to ensure this girl was a real princess.
The Queen slipped in the guest bedroom, placed a single pea on the mattress, and then stacked twenty more on top of it. On top of those she added twenty-eight feather mattresses. A true princess would have a sleepless night due to the lump caused by the pea, for she would be much more sensitive than the average girl.
The Prince hoped with all his heart that this girl was, in fact a princess. She looked pretty hot after a shower and didn’t smack her food at dinner. He was pretty sure he was in love. He had never felt this way before.
Everyone turned in for the night. The next day at breakfast the Princess was asked how she slept. “Peacefully”, she answered, lying her ass off. Everybody knows it’s not polite to criticize a free place to crash, especially out of a terrible storm. The truth was her back was seriously jacked up from whatever that horrible lump in the mattress was. She sent a quick text to her supplier back at her castle explaining about her shitty sleep and her need for some Xanax and muscle relaxers. She then left her phone on the table and excused herself to the ladies room.
The Queen was a little pissed that they had welcomed some stranger who wasn’t even a princess into their palace. So, being the nosy bitch she was, she went through the Princess's cell phone to see who she really was. She was shocked to find out that this girl was truly a princess. She informed the Prince and King, encouraging the Prince to make his move. The Prince was so happy he had finally met the woman of his dreams, soon to be his bride.
After breakfast, the Prince knelt down on one knee and begged the Princess’s hand in marriage.
And so the Princess lived happily ever after.
“Take them away, so far that they can never find their way back! Leave them on someone’s doorstep if you must, but get them out of here!” she would tell him. The woodcutter didn’t know what to do. But that’s because he had given his balls to this bitch a long time ago. Any real man would have sent her ass packing. But it’s whatever.
Unfortunately Hansel had been eavesdropping and heard the whole conversation. He then told Gretel what he had heard. He comforted her by promising that if they were to be left in the forest he would find the way back for them and kill the whore. Hansel went out that evening and filled his pockets full of pebbles, then went to bed.
Well you know what that bitch did? All night long the woman berated the woodcutter until he finally gave in, like the little bitch he was. That morning he led his kids into the forest. What they should’ve done was beat his ass in the forest, come back and kill the stepmom, and then keep the shack for themselves. But they didn’t. But that’s what happens when you’re raised by the ball-less wonder.
Anyway, so as they walked deeper into the forest, Hansel began dropping his little white pebbles that, if you were paying attention, he picked up the day before. Before the kids even noticed it, the woodcutter was long gone, abandoning his poor kids in the mean old forest. Well, the kids waited around, sort of not believing the bastard would really do it, but he did. Before long it was dark and Hansel could no longer see the pebbles he had dropped. They were both scared, but Hansel didn’t let Gretel know he was scared because he still had balls; he had not yet given them away to some female.
Out of the darkness a voice spoke to them both. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll lead you home”. The kids looked around but didn’t see anyone. The voice came again. “Over here dummies. I saw what that scoundrel did to you. The shit ain’t right. We’ll lead you home.”
“Who are you?” asked Hansel, unable to see where the voice was coming from.
“Right here boy!” the voice bounded. Neither Hansel nor Gretel could believe their eyes. When the moon shone on the big oak tree before them, there it was plain as day. How did that tree learn English?
“Ain’t polite to stare”, the tree said, before adding, “Now run along. The rest of the trees of this forest will lead you home.”
Well holy shit. That’s some luck right there. I would’ve asked the tree to lead me somewhere better, but we have to remember they’re just dumb little kids raised by a half-wit. See, this is why education is so important.
Anyway, so on the kids went, the trees providing directions the whole way. Sure enough, the led them right back to that crappy cottage where they quietly snuck in the window and snuggled up in their beds, happy to be home.
Well I bet you could guess what happened next. Yep. When the stepmother woke up and discovered the kids were home, she flipped out. The case could be made that she was menopausal I guess, but there was never any real evidence of that. So we’ll just assume she was evil.
Now, she didn’t lose her shit in front of the kids, but instead confronted the woodcutter in their bedroom, quietly threatening to cut his penis off if he didn’t get it right this time. Valuing his penis, he agreed and led them back into the forest that next evening, unhappy as he was about it. This time the stepmother had not fed them, hoping they would be too weak to find their way home again.
But Hansel was on to her, so he stole a piece of bread on his way out. Just like the night before, the father suddenly disappeared leaving the kids alone in the dark, scary forest. Gretel started bitching about being cold and hungry, so Hansel gave her his coat and half his bread as he ate the rest.
The same voice from the night before spoke out of the darkness. “Seriously? You guys are back? What’s going on with you people?”
Hansel explained the situation to the big oak as other trees began to chime in.
“Nah fuck that!”
“Oh hell naw.”
“Oh no she didn’t.”
As these sentiments filled the forest, the big oak silenced them all before speaking again.
“So you’re just gonna let this bitch do you like this? Look, if it were me, I’d take this opportunity to make a new life for myself. We can lead you someplace else. Come to think of it, there’s another place a few miles from here that looks like it might be nice. Just a big ole’ fat lady that lives there, which means she probably has plenty of food.”
The kids felt like this was a good plan, and after being invited, they cuddled up next to the tree for warmth and fell asleep.
The next day the trees led them to the cottage where the fat lady lived, and they couldn’t believe their eyes! The whole cottage was made of chocolate, icing, cherries and sprinkles. Like anybody would, the kids began breaking off chunks of the house, stuffing their hungry little faces. This was better than anything that sorry bitch of a stepmom ever made them. They were in heaven.
About that time the door swung open. It was a fat old lady with a big mole on her nose and seriously creepy eyes, but Hansel figured that didn’t necessarily make her a bad person.
“Hungry are you? Well you’re nothing more than skin and bones! Come in! There’s much more!”
With that, the kids ran into the cottage and began devouring everything they saw. They were so busy eating to even notice the old lady had locked them each in a cage. At first they didn’t really care because they were stupid kids with all the candy they could eat, but when the crazy bitch told them she was going to fatten them up and eat them, they each had an oh shit moment.
On the floor of these cages were bones from other little children who had fallen victim. These came in handy when the old woman, day after day, would come to the cage and ask to feel their fingers. However, Hansel and Gretel had refrained from eating and grabbed a finger bone from the floor to offer the old woman to feel, because the old bitty was half blind.
She complained on a daily basis that they weren’t plumping up, and finally one day said fuck it, I’m eating you anyway. She released Gretel and ordered her to light the oven. Gretel didn’t know how to light an oven though, because she was a modern girl, so the witch had to do it herself. As she bent over, Gretel pushed her fat ass in the oven and shut the door. She then let Hansel out and they celebrated and stuffed their faces again while the witch burned in the oven behind them, providing warmth.
After a few days, they started snooping around to see what all they could find. It turns out the witch was robbing all of her captives and had accumulated quite a nest egg. Agree with her profession or not, but she had excellent work ethic and saved responsibly; that’s a lesson we’ll all do well to consider.
The kids found money hidden all around the house and soon found they were very wealthy.
Gretel started her own baking business after the oven was thoroughly scrubbed. She decided the modern woman could bake while remaining independent of societal limitations and becoming a lesbian.
Hansel became involved in the campaign to save the forest and often took the trees sweets from Gretel’s kitchen.
Rumor has it the stepmother became “lost” in the woods never to be seen again. By lost I mean the trees totally put out a hit.
Turns out the woodcutter had dreams of dancing and moved to the city to perform. Hansel and Gretel rarely spoke to him, but sources say he’s doing fine.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a rich guy and his wife. After awhile she got pregnant
and had a little girl. For a long time everybody was really happy, but then when the daughter was little older, the mom got sick and died. Just like a man, the father met this slut and married her, even while the body was still warm. This horrible woman had two grown daughters just as wicked as she was.
About five minutes into the marriage, the stepmother focused her wrath on her new stepchild who was a sweet, pretty girl, unlike the two beasts who were her daughters. Her sweet temperament only accentuated how bad the other girls were, and this got under the stepmother’s skin. She made her do all the hard work around the house like scrubbing the floors, doing all the wash, serving them dinner
and working outside like a slave while the other women sat on their fat asses
and watched soaps. The ugly stepsisters got everything fine while Cinderella slept in the stable. It sucked pretty bad.
Cinderella was a class act though, and never complained, not even to her dad. He’d already realized what a skank he’d married and she didn’t want to make him feel any worse about it.
I would have, but everybody’s different.
So she’d dutifully do her chores, and afterward curl her tired body up near the chimney with her cat. That’s why the whores gave her the name Cinderella. The cat would sigh and tell her, "Look. I'll help you bury the bodies. You don't have to put up with this shit", but Cinderella was just too sweet for homicide.
One day the sisters received an invitation from the King to attend a party
for his son, the Prince. This was a big deal because the Prince would probably choose a wife from among the attendees, and although these bitches didn’t stand a chance, they thought they did. So what this meant was a whole lot of work for Cinderella to get these assholes ready for the ball.
She had to do all the sewing, ironing, errands, fixing their hair
, and everything else they needed done. She had turned into their bitch and there was nothing she could do about it. And of course the stepmother and sisters never told her she did anything right, but instead berated her with insults. This is what ugly people do though.
When the time came to go to the ball, the girls loaded their fat asses up in the beamer and threw in one last insult to Cinderella about not being invited to the ball before riding away. Cinderella threw herself on the floor by the fireplace and cried like a little bitch for a long time because of those shitheads, when really she should have used the extra time to plot their disappearances. The cat was so distraught over Cinderella's treatment that he shit in each of their beds.
Cinderella's bawling was interrupted by a knock at the door. Well shit
, she thought. What now. When she opened the door there stood a tiny little woman carrying a wand. Evidently she was a Fairy who had been friends with her mother when she was alive and was to be Cinderella’s godmother, of which she was obviously doing a shitty job. After explaining her stint in rehab and her troubles with that asshole Mike, she finally asked her why Cinderella had been crying.
Cinderella explained that she just wanted to go to the damn ball like those hyenas had gotten to. The fairy godmother promised her that she’d get to go if she quit crying. No prince is going to find the puffy eyes and wounded facade to be an attractive look. The cat agreed, pointing out that she had a booger.
The fairy godmother told Cinderella to hand her the cat, and she did. The Fairy touched it with her wand and suddenly it turned into a helicopter. "Holy shit! What else can you do?" Cinderella asked. “Girl I got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve”. With that she ran her wand over Cinderella and transformed her into a supermodel. She had a way more badass dress than her step-sisters and some cool little glass heels riddled with diamonds. She was now ready to go and she looked foxy.
Upon getting into the helicopter (and noticing how cute the pilot was), her Fairy Godmother reminded her, “Whatever you do, be home by twelve. Only whores stay out later and if you aren’t back by twelve the helicopter will turn back into a cat and you’ll be back in rags”.
You wouldn’t believe the crowd the helicopter drew when it flew in, and even more so when Cinderella emerged. In fact, she looked so good she was escorted straight to meet the Prince who immediately liked her the best of all the girls. She monopolized his evening while the other girls talked about how fat she was, how her bra strap was showing, and how they had heard she was a big psycho slut. The step sisters didn’t even recognize her without her dirty face and old dress.
Well, Cinderella was having such a good time that she forgot all about that midnight thing. About 2 minutes till she realized the time and rushed away. The Prince ran after her but was too late. The only trace of her was her glass shoe which had fallen off in her rush to get in the helicopter. The Prince picked it up, determined to find her.
So over the next few days he had his men search for her, and sent word that whoever’s foot fit this shoe would be his bride. You may be thinking that a lot of feet could probably fit the shoe
, but it was totally magic so that couldn’t happen.
The Prince’s helpers went door to door in search of the right foot, but the shoe didn’t fit anyone. They finally showed up at Cinderella’s and each sister tried the shoe on, but of course were denied. Cinderella asked in a small voice, “Can I try on the shoe?”
“No you stupid cow!” one step-sister laughed. “You weren’t there!” But the Prince’s helper reminded her that every girl in the kingdom had to try it on, per the Prince’s orders. When Cinderella sat down and slipped the shoe on with ease, the sisters’ damn near had a stroke. Suddenly she transformed back into the beautiful girl from that evening, and the sisters felt like the big fat jackasses they were.
Soon afterward Cinderella married the Prince and made the stepmother and sisters attend counseling three times a week in addition to community service for being assholes.
At first everything was pretty awesome. They were married a couple of years before Cinderella found out the Prince was cheating on her with an ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t that hurt though, because he had really been getting on her nerves. He was a slob, a momma’s boy, and had a penis like a lil smokey. She’d found herself daydreaming about the helicopter pilot and decided to see if he was on Facebook. He totally was and they hooked up and were married forever, and he was not a slob, and his penis was totally reasonable.
About five minutes into the marriage, the stepmother focused her wrath on her new stepchild who was a sweet, pretty girl, unlike the two beasts who were her daughters. Her sweet temperament only accentuated how bad the other girls were, and this got under the stepmother’s skin. She made her do all the hard work around the house like scrubbing the floors, doing all the wash, serving them dinner
Cinderella was a class act though, and never complained, not even to her dad. He’d already realized what a skank he’d married and she didn’t want to make him feel any worse about it.
I would have, but everybody’s different.
So she’d dutifully do her chores, and afterward curl her tired body up near the chimney with her cat. That’s why the whores gave her the name Cinderella. The cat would sigh and tell her, "Look. I'll help you bury the bodies. You don't have to put up with this shit", but Cinderella was just too sweet for homicide.
One day the sisters received an invitation from the King to attend a party
She had to do all the sewing, ironing, errands, fixing their hair
When the time came to go to the ball, the girls loaded their fat asses up in the beamer and threw in one last insult to Cinderella about not being invited to the ball before riding away. Cinderella threw herself on the floor by the fireplace and cried like a little bitch for a long time because of those shitheads, when really she should have used the extra time to plot their disappearances. The cat was so distraught over Cinderella's treatment that he shit in each of their beds.
Cinderella's bawling was interrupted by a knock at the door. Well shit
Cinderella explained that she just wanted to go to the damn ball like those hyenas had gotten to. The fairy godmother promised her that she’d get to go if she quit crying. No prince is going to find the puffy eyes and wounded facade to be an attractive look. The cat agreed, pointing out that she had a booger.
The fairy godmother told Cinderella to hand her the cat, and she did. The Fairy touched it with her wand and suddenly it turned into a helicopter. "Holy shit! What else can you do?" Cinderella asked. “Girl I got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve”. With that she ran her wand over Cinderella and transformed her into a supermodel. She had a way more badass dress than her step-sisters and some cool little glass heels riddled with diamonds. She was now ready to go and she looked foxy.
Upon getting into the helicopter (and noticing how cute the pilot was), her Fairy Godmother reminded her, “Whatever you do, be home by twelve. Only whores stay out later and if you aren’t back by twelve the helicopter will turn back into a cat and you’ll be back in rags”.
You wouldn’t believe the crowd the helicopter drew when it flew in, and even more so when Cinderella emerged. In fact, she looked so good she was escorted straight to meet the Prince who immediately liked her the best of all the girls. She monopolized his evening while the other girls talked about how fat she was, how her bra strap was showing, and how they had heard she was a big psycho slut. The step sisters didn’t even recognize her without her dirty face and old dress.
Well, Cinderella was having such a good time that she forgot all about that midnight thing. About 2 minutes till she realized the time and rushed away. The Prince ran after her but was too late. The only trace of her was her glass shoe which had fallen off in her rush to get in the helicopter. The Prince picked it up, determined to find her.
So over the next few days he had his men search for her, and sent word that whoever’s foot fit this shoe would be his bride. You may be thinking that a lot of feet could probably fit the shoe
The Prince’s helpers went door to door in search of the right foot, but the shoe didn’t fit anyone. They finally showed up at Cinderella’s and each sister tried the shoe on, but of course were denied. Cinderella asked in a small voice, “Can I try on the shoe?”
“No you stupid cow!” one step-sister laughed. “You weren’t there!” But the Prince’s helper reminded her that every girl in the kingdom had to try it on, per the Prince’s orders. When Cinderella sat down and slipped the shoe on with ease, the sisters’ damn near had a stroke. Suddenly she transformed back into the beautiful girl from that evening, and the sisters felt like the big fat jackasses they were.
Soon afterward Cinderella married the Prince and made the stepmother and sisters attend counseling three times a week in addition to community service for being assholes.
At first everything was pretty awesome. They were married a couple of years before Cinderella found out the Prince was cheating on her with an ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t that hurt though, because he had really been getting on her nerves. He was a slob, a momma’s boy, and had a penis like a lil smokey. She’d found herself daydreaming about the helicopter pilot and decided to see if he was on Facebook. He totally was and they hooked up and were married forever, and he was not a slob, and his penis was totally reasonable.
The End
