sleeping beauty...

Once upon a time there was a king and queen who really wanted to have a baby. Year after year they tried, and year after year they came up short. Back then they didn’t have invitro, so their only option was to have the king fornicate with a concubine, and the queen wasn’t even having that shit. One day the queen was bathing in her private river when a creepy little frog came splashing out of the water. After he checked her out for a bit, he informed her that he was indeed, a prophetic frog, and that this very year the queen would bear a baby girl. You can imagine the queen’s surprise when she came up pregnant a short time later and had a baby girl. The king was a little suspicious, but thought oh well, and decided to throw a great feast. He invited everyone in his Rolodex including the wise women of the kingdom. There was a problem though. He only had 12 golden plates to serve them from and didn’t have time to run to Morocco to get another. He decided it would be harmless to leave one off the list, which was real stupid. But men do weird, rude shit like that all the time. The party was a big success. Everybody commented on how beautiful the baby was, bla bla bla. Toward the end of the night, the 12 wise women one by one blessed the baby with magic gifts. One gave her riches, one gave her beauty, one gave her the ability to stay a size 6 forever, and the list goes on. This baby girl had everything any girl could ever want. Before the 12th wise woman could speak, the 13th uninvited wise women burst in, pissed off that she had been left out. She proclaimed in a loud voice that the baby would prick herself with a spindle when she turned 15 and drop dead. Then she turned around and left, but not before turning over a few tables and flipping everyone the bird. Everyone was shocked and horrified. The 12th wise woman stepped forward and everyone begged her to undo the bad omen with her unused blessing. She explained that by the rules of the Wise Woman Union, she could not reverse an omen; only lessen it to some extent. With that, she declared that the princess would not die after all, but instead fall into a coma for 100 years. Well nobody liked this stupid rule, so the king ordered that every spindle in the kingdom be destroyed. In the meantime, as the princess grew up, all the other blessings came true in her life. Everyone loved her, and she wasn’t even a spoiled little bitch like all the other princesses. Well, on the day of her 15th birthday, while the king and queen had run out to buy her a pony, the princess decided to take a tour of the castle. She had never seen it all, and never been home alone to do whatever she wanted. She came upon an old tower that looked as if it hadn’t been occupied in decades. She climbed the narrow staircase to a door that creaked open at the touch of her hand. Inside sat an old, feeble woman with a spindle, busily spinning her flax. Now, I’m sorry, but fuck that. I would’ve been outta there. But no, the princess, being the naïve little thing she was, spoke to the decrepit old thing. “Hi there” the princess offered. “What are you doing?” “Are you blind?” the old woman answered. “I’m spinning.” The princess approached and stood in awe. “I’ve never seen anything like this. Can I try?” Before the old woman could answer, the princess reached out and pricked her finger on the spindle. Immediately she fell to the floor into a deep sleep. The weird thing was that everything else fell into the same sleep; her parents who had just gotten home, the whole court, the horses, the dogs, the birds, the flies – even the fire blazing in the fireplace became quiet and slept. The whole palace fell silent and still. After a short time, a thick wall of thorns began to grow around the palace, and year after year it would grow thicker and taller. After many years the castle could not be seen at all, and so began the legend of little Briar Rose throughout the country.  Because princesses were in demand back in the day, prince after prince would come to the castle to try to penetrate the thorn barrier, ultimately hoping to penetrate the princess and bring her out of her sleep. But many tried and failed, getting caught up in the briars and dying a horrible and painful death. The things men will do for a little vagina… After many, many years, another king’s son heard tales of the princess and her whole sordid dilemma. He heard all about the thorn wall and the many princes who died there trying to revive the princess.   The prince smirked and told everyone, “I’m not scared. I’ll go get her.” Everyone laughed and whispered to one another that he was a for sure goner. What the prince didn’t know was that the hundred years was up, so when he arrived at the castle there were no thorns, only a thick covering of beautiful flowers, and as he walked the flowers would create a path and then close again behind him. Again, fuck that. I would be outta there. But that’s not how the story goes. Anyway, as he approached the castle he saw that all the horses, dogs, and other animals were still fast asleep. When he entered the house everything was as it had been left 100 years ago. The servants were still frozen in time, plucking chickens and boiling water, sewing and sweeping. The king and queen lay peacefully as well. The prince looked around and eventually found the tower where the princess lay. She was everything he’d heard she was; totally hot, totally hot, and asleep. He stooped down and gave her a kiss on the mouth. Instantly her eyes popped open and she sprung up, shocked. “You fucking pervert!” she screamed. “Get away from me!” “But wait…I was only trying to…” All the commotion caused the animals, servants, king and queen to awaken. The king and queen ran up the stairs to the aid of the princess. The king was horrified to find a strange boy trying to make out with his daughter, and so he banished him to the tower for 20 years, forcing him to spin all the fine linens for the castle. The princess met another dude and lived happily ever after. The prince ended up getting a job at a factory after he got out of prison, and swore off the vag for the rest of his days.

The End